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Assuming no one will read this...
Mar. 20th, 2020 11:07 am...but I need to get it out of my system somewhere. I'm fucking terrified and depressed...not so much about getting sick, but what this is doing to the world, especially mine. This past year has been scarey for me anyway - I'm coming up on 50 in a year and a half, and I have no career to speak of. For a while there, I was doing pretty well in my own circles, but the Who fandom has shifted (as it does from time to time), and the cons I used to guest at regularly have gone with way of the dodo. I've been finding the odd uke venue, and the cosplay cabarets are great to get out the jones, but there's nothing I can think of as work, even when I am stretching the definition. Even writing for the website - thank goodness I have that, but it's unpaid, and doesn't feed my soul the way performing does. It's not like I was even close to getting people related to me to see my performing existence as anything remotely real.
Lord knows this isn't about me - I think everyone feels this way, and in many cases, way more than I do. This whole quarantine thing is like clinical depression on a global scale. We all seem to be going from fits of productivity to slumps of bone-crushing depression. And I have to keep my brave face on for the kiddo (when I'm not fighting with her about the need to do schoolwork at home, plus trying to soothe the anxiety she is having from this), and it's exhausting. And when we come back, whenever that is - what happens then?
This reminds me of when, in 2001, the director of operations at Jekyll & Hyde announced to the rest of his staff at a morning meeting that he would be hiring me and another guy, after I had applied months previous. 5 minutes after he said that, a plane flew into the World Trade Center. Needless to say, I didn't get hired for at least another year after that - and the entertainment industry only went dark for like a DAY then. Everything is shut down for the foreseeable. Normally, I get out my performing jones by posting things online. At the moment, however, absolutely EVERYONE is doing that. Everyone is already busy watching videos from people with already established careers, so why on earth should anyone give a shit about mine? And when the industry finally does come back, it will be in baby steps, and it will be saturated with the aforementioned previously established people, with even less room for people like me than usual. Of course this is bigger than me, and I have got it better than many, and I shouldn't bitch. But if not here, then where?
It's an extra kick in the teeth to a late bloomer like me. It's like, timeline:
1) There's nothing out there for me, so I stop trying.
2) There IS something out there that could be perfect for me - I immediately start trying again (new headshots, going on EPAs).
3) Turns out I am shut out of that thing too, because of physical type.
4) I get depressed for a week but then rally, and get another EPA for the thing because life goes on.
5) The EPA (and all other things) get cancelled for the foreseeable.
And yes, when this mishegoss is over, things WILL get rescheduled, and I WILL keep going - but, you wanna talk about biological clocks? Ain't nobody going to look twice at a medium-sized, white alto like me, no matter how cool and talented I am (and I am very both those things). There's always going to be someone who gets to push ahead of me in line.
Lord knows this isn't about me - I think everyone feels this way, and in many cases, way more than I do. This whole quarantine thing is like clinical depression on a global scale. We all seem to be going from fits of productivity to slumps of bone-crushing depression. And I have to keep my brave face on for the kiddo (when I'm not fighting with her about the need to do schoolwork at home, plus trying to soothe the anxiety she is having from this), and it's exhausting. And when we come back, whenever that is - what happens then?
This reminds me of when, in 2001, the director of operations at Jekyll & Hyde announced to the rest of his staff at a morning meeting that he would be hiring me and another guy, after I had applied months previous. 5 minutes after he said that, a plane flew into the World Trade Center. Needless to say, I didn't get hired for at least another year after that - and the entertainment industry only went dark for like a DAY then. Everything is shut down for the foreseeable. Normally, I get out my performing jones by posting things online. At the moment, however, absolutely EVERYONE is doing that. Everyone is already busy watching videos from people with already established careers, so why on earth should anyone give a shit about mine? And when the industry finally does come back, it will be in baby steps, and it will be saturated with the aforementioned previously established people, with even less room for people like me than usual. Of course this is bigger than me, and I have got it better than many, and I shouldn't bitch. But if not here, then where?
It's an extra kick in the teeth to a late bloomer like me. It's like, timeline:
1) There's nothing out there for me, so I stop trying.
2) There IS something out there that could be perfect for me - I immediately start trying again (new headshots, going on EPAs).
3) Turns out I am shut out of that thing too, because of physical type.
4) I get depressed for a week but then rally, and get another EPA for the thing because life goes on.
5) The EPA (and all other things) get cancelled for the foreseeable.
And yes, when this mishegoss is over, things WILL get rescheduled, and I WILL keep going - but, you wanna talk about biological clocks? Ain't nobody going to look twice at a medium-sized, white alto like me, no matter how cool and talented I am (and I am very both those things). There's always going to be someone who gets to push ahead of me in line.
